Spiritual House-Arrest

Re-Run from January 6th, 2009

(new comments in GREEN)

OK - There are 160 posts in the BLOG ARCHIVE of

Ye Old Queer Tax Protesteth

Whoo-hoo

So go read a few, 'cause I'm a little worn out. (sigh) Tard.

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Normally this time of year a piano teacher is collecting Holiday Music that was borrowed, planning group classes and lessons, and trying to get piano students excited about NEW pieces and PRATICE! Tomorrow I will be going to PACK UP and leave my piano studio for good (I haven't been there since 11.06.08) and eventually have to decide what gets used for (possible) Protest Art and what gets stored away, and what will become "craiglist cash". Let's just say it will NOT be fun. [It was NOT "fun"; see DEAD BABIES]

I'm not even going to GO THERE

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Anyhooz, go click on some of my less-angry days (PRE-PROP 8) in the BLOG ARCHIVE and notice how the Rage-o-Meter explodes POST PROP 8......along with mental sanity. I still feel like I AM ON MARS HERE. In California last fall families were pitted against other families - children against other children - in a bitter criminal election that was dehumanizing, psychological distressing, and has ALREADY LED to an INCREASE IN HATE CRIMES AGAINST QUEERS....you know....as in seriously injuring or killing someone else's child?! And some Q's think a tax revolt is "going too far".....

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I'm in a new year with absolutely NO IDEA of how I can support myself. I'm not even going to GO THERE either......... It feels terrifying at best. still is

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And I wait for a judge's decision. And wait. And wait. Most say it will be turned down a few times as a rule; others say no. I say more-than-once and I may totally lose it. did Seriously; this is insane to expect ANY ONE with P.T.S.D. to re-live over and over a disability hearing. I haven't blogged a lot about the details of my hearing, but suffice it to say that I do remember one NOT-FUN dis-associative-ish moment where I was simultaneously pulling at my hair with both hands as hard as I could while banging my head against the wall, sobbing. All I remember thinking is, "make this pain-memory-thing go away NOW" as my attorney was asking questions and recounting various events that led up to my disability. Yeah, good times. It is very strange to be cognizant of many physical, emotional, and mental triggers and the "whys" of what is happening, I did dabble in psychology and (esp.) philosophy my first 2 years of college; went 8 years total, but those very cerebral thoughts are totally useless when the body twitches by itself, or when the body-mind fears the completely irrational and unfounded.

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Wanna trade dreams?

More and more I question the mental health of EVERY SINGLE QUEER ALIVE. Why not? How in the hell can we develop healthy minds as children when we are vilified, demonized, hated, harassed, bullied, and killed.....OH......AND legally made out to be FUCKING SOCIAL LEPERS. But your taxes come to $__ . 00 - SO PAY UP........Dignity...anyone?

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So I sit here and slither around the web as an "Equality Troll", while a Social Security Disability Judge ponders whether or not the PAIN that has consistently bludgeoned my soul for the past 4.5 years is just in my head or REAL. And he will decide if "divorce without law" harmed me, and if so, how much did it harm me? He will decide things about my life that I do not know if he has any idea ABOUT deciding. Does he even think I deserve an equal life? Deserve the right to teach young children? The right to feel pain? The right to cry? To fear? To experience rage? American History has NOT been kind to gay men when it comes to justice. So I wonder.....and WAIT.

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I HAVE TO WAIT 1-2 MORE MONTHS

BEFORE I GET A DECISION

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It Feels Like

House-Arrest

...Uncle Junior Soprano...

...like Godfather III...

...was just misunderstood....

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Sigh. 12:45 AM. Bob is fast asleep. I'm still in house arrest, since I barely leave the house these days. I've had to literally go "out of body" when it comes to this disability process. "Turn It Off". To think I have 3-4 more times to go...hurts my mind. Aside from the pain of the hearings themselves, the wait of NOT KNOWING how one will survive makes it more scary and difficult.

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Social workers have seen the average case take 3 and now 4 times before it is approved. I guess ONLY THE STRONGEST SURVIVE? The people within the bureaucracy look as frustrated as the people going there for help.

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Not totally-related in this post, but GODDAMMIT AMERICA! - A teacher who devotes her life to understanding and teaching your preschool children should NOT have to wonder if you COULD and WOULD vote FOR or AGAINST her own FAMILY. What an EVIL, evil atmosphere this creates in society. NOT GOOD.

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YOU ARE

ONE SICK FUCKING COUNTRY,

AMERICA.